I am guilty of uttering those words, yes, in the past. When challenge after challenge kept slapping me back and forth and I felt I could not cope anymore, I asked myself “why me“? It was a moment of sadness, with the tears pouring down my face, I felt sorry for myself and, I was lost.
Why Not Me?
I am here, in the present to tell my story and now I say “why not me”?. I am not special, or better than you or anyone else, so why not me? My point is we all have those moments, it does not mean we are weak or selfish, we are in the middle of so many emotions, for a brief moment we let go and we hope that someone will be kind to us, will save us, turn our life around.
My first memory is parents arguing. The little me, around 4 years old standing in between my Mom and Dad crying and saying sorry, because I thought it was my fault.
My fear when I was rushed to hospital aged about 5 with a severe asthma attack.
The heartbreak when my Mom died from Cancer, a pain I will never forget.
All alone in England when my Dad died in hospital. My home was now in Canada and I wanted my husband and children with me to comfort me. They were still in Canada, I was alone with my grief.
Divorce, so painful, so bitter, so many memories of “us” and times gone by. Guilt. Family ties.
Cancer, not once, not twice but three times. It got easier each time but the fear comes back every time I have a lump or a symptom and I am waiting for tests or doctors to tell me I am OK.
Almost losing my home due to financial challenges.
Working three low paid jobs where respect for employees was non existent.
My children, seeing them going through their challenges, wishing I could take away their pain and feel it for them. No Mother ever wants her children to suffer.
How Did I Survive My Challenges
This is a good question and the only answer I have is – I had no choice. I could not give up, my family, my friends, what would that do to them? It was not easy, I had my dark days and my painful days, but I had to carry on, the choice was mine to make.
I Don’t Have a Perfect Life
From the outside looking in it appears I have the perfect life. My life is truly wonderful, I feel blessed, but as it should be, challenges come and challenges go. I would imagine that if anyone has the perfect life we all dream about it must be quite boring.
It’s not about how much money we have, or about how big our house is, or how often we travel, it’s about that feeling of contentment, knowing we are safe with the people we love.
Life is about living every moment, experiencing everything there is in life.
My Busy Life
I did the clubbing, dancing, drinking, having fun after work and weekends.
I did the stay at home Mom thing, and I loved every minute. As you can see I did not turn into a vegetable and we had a good standard of life with just my husband working. But, it was not about lots of vacations, mobile phones, cars, fancy restaurants. It was about having a roof over our head, food, and our children having the best childhood we could give them. We have no regrets.
I am now living the life I never imagined or thought about. I had no idea how my life would change so dramatically. As the owner of two small businesses I am busy, and I love every minute of operating two small businesses. I don’t worry about if the housework is done every day, it’s only dust. We have a dishwasher, and the washing machine and tumbler dryer take care of the laundry. I did my stint as a housewife, those days are well gone.Our home is a home, it’s clean and tidy.
My second husband and myself travel extensively with our work, we love traveling together and always take a few days extra to enjoy sightseeing. This would not be possible if we had small children together.
You Never Know When….
I have been thinking a lot lately about how blessed I am, but you never know when your life could change forever. Obviously I know this because it has happened to me so many times. The one thing I do know is I can’t waste my time worrying and waiting for something that might never happen, to happen. That would be waste of my wonderful life.
Reflecting On My Life
I look back and I still feel pain, sadness, and I feel lonely. I miss the people who are no longer here. They would not want me to feel any of these emotions, they would want me to move on.
I look back and I honestly cannot believe I survived so many challenges.
I wake up every morning anticipating the sound of the birds, seeing the blue sky, making a cup of tea, and sitting across from my soul-mate.
I talk to my children as much as possible, phone, text, etc, and see them when possible. We celebrate our Birthdays together, not always, but as many times as we can.
We have so many memories to cherish, so many great things to remember, but its OK to look back in time and re-live those times when we had no idea how our life would turn out. It’s OK because we got through those bad times and look at us now.
Once again I am waiting, waiting for the call to see a specialist, for more tests. I am patient, I can wait. I can get through this time.
I hesitate to say this, but I will. I am scared, now and then, I have thoughts that worry me. I want to be here, I want to see my children married and have children, I want to be around for a lot longer.
What I will say is my instincts are telling me I am OK, and I trust them, they have helped me many times before.
A New Journey
I may be ready for a new journey in the future, but at this point I have no idea what that may be. There is no rush, life is a journey and I am enjoying weaving my way in and out, not rushing to get to the end.
Thanks for reading my post, as always please feel free to email me and let me know your thoughts or leave your comments here, thanks.